This was my first time seeing them even though I have been a fan for years. I’ve actually been an ardent fan of Jaejoong for the whole of that time, and my love for him grows and renews itself every day. Because I already love him so much I felt that perhaps it was not necessary that I ever see him in person. That is probably correct, but seeing Jaejoong in person today I can say that there is something about seeing him in person that adds a new dimension.
I am writing in almost an existential mood. What is the point of loving someone in this way? Whatever the answer is, if I had another chance to do the last x years of my life all over again, I’d choose to love him in this way, every moment, and hope that I knew him from even before.
This concert was particularly meaningful for me as a Jaejoong fan because in everything I could feel Jaejoong. The music that was played in the venue before the show started was a variation of In Heaven. Knowing that Jaejoong planned it so made it exciting. The screen that read JYJ in bright lights—that was also Jaejoong. They were great as they were but I was happy just being there knowing that Jaejoong had done them.
Before the show started the music changed… I think Fallen Leaves played, but with the members voices re-recorded for a softer, lower-toned, acoustic sound. It was beautiful and made me feel afraid that I’d cry during the concert.
I value Jaejoong’s talents but I also value his God-given beauty. I was anxious and curious as to what he would look like. What would he look like? I can’t imagine him looking any better than he does on camera already, but the unanimous voice of Jaejoong fans is that the camera does not do Jaejoong justice. I was a mix of anticipation and fear.
When JYJ came onto the stage I felt almost uncomprehending. I was seeing them with my own eyes—and I was seeing Jaejoong with my own eyes. Jaejoong is very porcelain. He does not look like someone who is born. He looks like someone sculpted him—of snow white clay or sometimes marble. I’ve looked at him for so many years and to a point I take his incomprehensible beauty for granted. But one should remember when they are seeing Jaejoong that he is a supposedly-human being on stage, but looking like he is a doll, a statue, made of light. It’s a weird disconnect. The hanging screen made him look like a human, it was a horrible conduit that completely disfigured him. But I was near enough to see him without any filter and he did not look like a human like me. He had a weird perfection that made me feel disconnected. Was I seeing him on a stage or through a computer screen?
Jaejoong had straight hair that was blond. He looked so natural in the blond. Jaejoong was so pale, his skin. His eyes were big and straight like we know. He did not open his eyes wide most of the times, he just opened them in the lax way he opens them usually when he is tired, but sometimes he opened his eyes wide—for instance, he would look up. When he did so, it was surreal, the whole eye would turn white almost from my angle because his eyes were so big.
His nose. God. I tended to focus on his nose less than his eyes and lips before. But his nose. How to describe that nose with words? It was so straight as if someone drew it. It ended with the most delicate tip that was so perfect but adorable too, it was so finely molded. I want to touch the tip of his nose and the bridge of the nose. The light bounced on his face and his nose was perfection in the middle of his face.
Jaejoong’s lips. I know Jaejoong’s face well and as I said I am used to his beauty. I was paying attention to his eyes and nose that I did not pay due attention to the lips. But the lips are also unrealistic—the curve, color, and the smoothness that seems to only exist in the imagination.
What adds to Jaejoong’s unreality is also the shape of his face. He has the most unlikely shape. I liked his hair—I have nothing to say about the hair except Jaejoong looked so natural as a blond that I could not imagine him in black hair, because I focused on his face. But I remember longing that perhaps he would do a hair that will expose his forehead and the entire face so that one could get a good look at his remarkable bone structure in its entirety. Jaejoong’s chin is strong but it is small because as you know, Jaejoong’s face slopes in the most unrealistic way to end with the chin. Jaejoong’s facial structure is just so unlikely. He has a strong and beautiful forehead but I could not see it—and his cheeks are pale, but they slope down in not a bony way that triangular faces sometimes do but in this most perfect, definite but smooth way as to make one not even realize how unreal his bone structure is.
Jaejoong was thin. In all honesty I looked at Jaejoong’s face mostly so I could not pay attention to his body as much. That Jaejoong is thin is well known but he is really very thin. Especially he has no legs. And his being thin made him seem less big than I thought he would be. Jaejoong is about six feet after all. Jaejoong had mannequin-like proportions that gave him additional height but he was also small at the same time because of his thinness.
Jaejoong’s complexion is perfect but it is almost hard to tell that it is because really it is so pale that it blends with the light.
So Jaejoong persisted in looking in this unreal way for the duration of the concert that I was disoriented. What am I looking at? For most of it I kept struggling to remember that Jaejoong is human. He looked like an image.
But one could see that he was human because Jaejoong sang, made motions, danced, talked in English and laughed, looked and talked to the members, touched the members, told us to do stuff. In this way Jaejoong is so precious.
Jaejoong’s dance was… I am not sure why I felt this way but I was so moved by the cuteness of his dancing—my mind was going, “oh look, he’s dancing!!” Jaejoong knows how to dance sexy, with groove, and he did so. But in a way I think he looks too perfect and unrealistic to make me feel convinced. Jaejoong’s dancing is to be contrasted with that of Junsu. Junsu is an excellent dancer and he wows with his passion and he completely owns the dance. Doing the same dance, Jaejoong instead kind of puts me in awe with his natural grace. Even when he dances sexy he looks more beautiful than sexy. This is so hard to explain. Everything about Jaejoong is hard to explain. Jaejoong, in any case, was technically very good. But he was Jaejoong and Jaejoong was dancing and his beauty struck the audience before his dancing did.
Jaejoong’s singing. I got to hear the shocking ad lib of Still in Love among many others. Obviously Jaejoong is a great singer. Also, Jaejoong pulled off chords that only he seems able to, such as in In Heaven when he complements Junsu’s belting in the end. Jaejoong sings and it is so genuine. Jaejoong wanted to sing when he was just a boy and he has since wanted to sing, and he is singing. This is something that I can say about all three members. All three members have a genuineness when they sing that cannot be manufactured.
Jaejoong’s English. My mind is numb because in a way this was the perfect concert but in another way I wish he spoke more. Jaejoong speaks excellent English, and I find him so cute when he speaks English because I am an English speaker. I find all of the members very cute when they speak English. Yoochun speaks English in a very different voice than when he speaks Korean. Jaejoong does also to a certain extent. Both Junsu and Jaejoong spoke quite little. Actually all three spoke little. Now I understand why no one comments very much on what they said in these non-domestic concerts—they don’t speak very much! But Jaejoong said something like “Are you guys enjoying the show!” and other things that were just so appropriate, surprising to me, and said with flair and great pronunciation. He said so many other things, all of which were cute, here and there. I wish my memory did not have to fade, this is so sad. Jaejoong has great English speech, the grace inherent in his Korean and Japanese speech can be found in his English speech.
Jaejoong making motions, wanting fans to do stuff, like the wave. The NJ crowd pulled off the wave very well, from what I could tell we succeeded from the very first time. I wonder if Jaejoong and the members were happy or surprised because it seems that some venues had difficulty.
Jaejoong and Yoochun. It is so difficult to describe on paper the air of playfulness, of joy and fondness that the two seemed to be bursting with, that seemed uncontainable and showed itself by their locking of the eyes, making jokes with each other, and touching each other’s hands at every possible chance. It seemed that they interacted with each other so often that the moments almost all blur into each other to become just two hours of irrepressible happiness. Looking and smiling and nodding at each other while harmonizing. The funny handshake that they do when they have looked into each other’s eyes for a long time. They also did things such as motion towards each other, cross each other and have a quick squeeze of the hand, and the like. They even had a moment when they were making the same dorky move and laughing while Junsu was belting out. It is so clear that they are such close friends, they cannot love each other enough, their love just pours forth in spurts. Jaejoong smiled a lot at Yoochun and Yoochun smiled a lot at Jaejoong.
Jaejoong as a director. As I said I now realize that it is good to go to concerts, to see them in person. It makes you live them. This was particularly true for me as a Jaejoong fan, because every moment was Jaejoong. For instance I loved the photos chosen for Yoochun and Junsu during one of the intermission-pieces. I know Jaejoong had a hand in it and it makes me see his love for and deep comprehension of the two. All the intermission/transition music was fresh, exciting, different. The dancing and the choreography during Junsu’s I Can Soar. The exquisite execution of Mission. The costumes that look so clean and vibrant on stage and tailored to each member and song. Jaejoong—creating a stage on which his members will stand, to sing the songs that he himself made. Sometimes I hate that Jaejoong loves to direct because when he is directing I cannot see him, unlike if he were appearing on a drama or similar. But Jaejoong is a great director. The show was so smooth—too smooth, as some of us lamented, there was no delay at all and it was like a dream.
I already wrote about what Jaejoong looks like in person. All the camera-rendered shots by fans are beautiful but they cannot capture him. If I had to summarize what Jaejoong looks like—he looks slightly more refined and more delicate than the very best of fancams and photos—and this slight difference takes it to a whole new level. He looks completely unlike the video that is shown on the hanging screen during the concert, and he looks completely unlike his photos that are not excellent. Also, Jaejoong looks different and new from every distance. He struck me anew every time I leaned forward and became closer to him by inches. I saw him quite close, closer than I could have dreamed or hoped for, but I know that the level of shock increases with every single inch. I need to go to his concerts now because even a single inch makes a difference.
I will also write about Yoochun and Junsu. Both look better in person than on camera. Prior to tonight I thought Yoochun’s face was on the softer side, but in fact it is on the sharper side. Yoochun is very good-looking and his nose is also very nicely shaped, and the slight sink of his cheeks gives him a handsome dimension. The impact of his face is not completely captured by the camera either. But he is not ravaged by the camera… as Jaejoong and Junsu are. Jaejoong I explained above, but Junsu is also someone that the camera just ruins. Junsu is very good looking—he has big eyes, bigger than most people actually, and he looks good and defined on the stage, even from far away. He has a different kind of face than the other two so he is not sharp, but his features are big and they are satisfyingly big. One thing I did not expect is that Junsu has puffier and more noticeable lips than he typically does on photos— his mouth is actually something you notice quite a lot on his face. Junsu does not look like any of his photos that are unflattering—Junsu is lithe. Junsu does redden, and I felt happy that I saw him redden with passion with my own two eyes. But it is a flush and rather than redness.
Junsu dances well. I wrote that Junsu’s dance strikes one with its passion, and really, his passion and energy is palpable. I think that this is a gift in itself. Junsu makes a compelling performer. He is technically superb but there is something extra that makes him entertaining to watch, unlike some other performers. Junsu’s singing is well-established but it is also superb. His voice is also noticeable and he knows how to make it explode.
What struck me about Yoochun the most was the variety of his expressions. Yoochun smiles very widely and you can feel his happiness, his playfulness. He is very open and honest with his face and his emotions. It refreshes the viewer. In today’s performance, Yoochun had the most lively of expressions. Jaejoong had expressions too but they were few and far between and he remained largely porcelain. Junsu expresses well but it is with his being and not with his face. Yoochun expresses his feelings through his face.
There was one moment when the three of them stood on the protruding stage together and was singing. They looked so complete and happy with each other. I was a fan of them for a long time and once I knew them as five. But really I think everyone in the concert felt it. JYJ was complete in itself and in such a fulfilling way. Seeing the three on the stage made you feel certain of their greatness and in their future. The three were such different people and each had a charm of his own, and in a way they accentuated each other.
I wrote this in a hurry and in sadness that my memory must necessarily fade. If you told me to draw Jaejoong’s face in my mind I could not. I looked at it for almost two hours and I can recognize that face anywhere but it is not a face that can be memorized although it looks deceptively simple and straight in its clear lines. I wrote above that seeing them in person gave this whole thing a new dimension and that is true. Although the bulk of my memory is just how unreal Jaejoong was, I also lived through his creation and I felt his emotions that he expressed and he himself felt on stage. In a way doing so cleared my existential anxiety. This concert made me feel relaxed and happy and content about the fact that I will love him for as long as I can foresee. It also made my heart tenderer and sweeter, because this being that I adore was breathing, running about, singing, and creating on this stage. I love Jaejoong and I love that he is part of JYJ and I love that I love him. I feel content and absolutely dazed in this contentedness. It is a great feeling, and I am grateful to everything that brought it about.
Shared by: JYJ3